by: naledi chuwe
“Okay, one more question. What is your greatest fear in life?” I murmured through my clogged up nostrils. “Yoh, that’s a difficult question,” she responded as if a philosophical weight plummeted on her. A brief period of time flew past. She followed her silence with coupled sighs and mentioned a list of possibilities such as death. Her vocal thought process concluded in a pivotal statement; “My greatest fear is the clarification that I will never be loved, that I will never be worth anything or mean anything to anyone. That I will be just what people described me as at school.”
The personification of safety, cleanliness and a successful beginning struck through her white baggy top, semi tucked into her lightly faded blue shorts with her unavoidable blonde stands that were half tied up. An eagerness to release an uncensored version of emotions, occurrences and lessons from her on-going introspection is the energy she projected. Seen formally sitting across each other to examine questions and body language, the obligation to query transformed into an open discussion of light and growth.
Jeanné Fourie was willing to converse about the attributions that make her, her.
An experience of divorced parents at the fragile age of 6, and an almost immediate insert of a stepdad had the inclusion of constant complication with the sudden relationship with the new parent. This first-hand ordeal enabled her pessimistic perspective and fear of intimate relationships. Despite the trauma that is attached to her, she acknowledges the sacrifices that were made and declares her gratitude. A secure upbringing where comfort played a role is the instant answer given when asked about her childhood.
Her gripping personal narrative occurred in a setting of luminous bar lights, deafening music and boys (not men) that allowed their hands to move too freely on others. Jeanné endures her significant realisation of her lack of authentic being on an unhygienic pavement where she suffers from loneliness yet being surrounded by bodies.
She exposes the origins of a pattern when describing her primary and high school career. The battle of an eating disorder hugely influenced by bullying began in grade 5. A strenuous battle that resulted in a vital juncture at 13 to a severe point where there were no signs of recovery, Jeanné was advised to reflect in a chapel. Walking into the derelict chapel, she proceeded to the altar. Kneeling and praying, an extensive amount of tears streamed down her face as she pleaded with her higher being for assistance. An unforgettable and pivotal moment she describes it as. The bullying defused in high school as girls became sneaky, but still experiencing self-loathing. The great hold it had on her made it mandatory for her to take a gap year.
An organised occupation in England became her new life for a year. Working tirelessly, she consumed herself in her work allowing the workload to swallow her at some point. Her negative views on relationships pertain to every type of relationship, including the one she encountered in a foreign country. A colleague at first turned into a gained sister. She learnt the art of slowly letting go and trusting through the unexpected pairing. The bond was very significant to her as she encountered a genuine friendship with mutual love. A sisterhood as she describes it.
The lack of trust in others; the pessimistic outlook on relationships, flashbacks and possible scenarios of horrendous encounters still are continuations in her life. The crucial difference is she no longer victimises herself, but is now self-aware of her thinking as thoughts are a result of actions. A never ending journey of self-improvement, she acknowledges her turbulent past that grew her into the person she is today. Jeanné is a ravishing walking story that owns every chapter that either results in a reread or a paper cut. She gracefully embodies her unfinished autobiography.
The words swam out of my mouth with articulation as I anticipated the answer. “So if you had to, uhm, describe your current wellbeing or mind-set in one word, what would it be?” There was never a moment of hesitation. She projected her voice when responding. “Better! So much better than I think it ever was.”
periodt.
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